This has been a hard year for me, for a number of reasons, but losing the ability to roll has had a massive impact on my mental health. For the first time in 12 years, I can’t roll. I’ve never really had any time off the mats, I’ve stayed healthy and had only a few minor injuries, but nothing that has kept me from training for longer than a week. It’s been full steam ahead basically from my first class, often times averaging 30 hours per week of Jiu Jitsu. For the last 12 months my hip pain has gotten progressively worse. When I did choose to roll I paid for it when I tried to sleep, for months I worked through the pain as I slowly lost range of motion in my left hip. I told myself I needed to stretch more and warm up before training, but I think I knew things were worse off than that. As a life long athlete working through pain is nothing new. I was taught to be tough and push through it, that doing so was good for me and I would come out stronger. Part of me still believes that, I want to just keep training and live with the pain. Luckily, Lea, convinced (forced) me to go to a doctor. We did X-rays and the doctor confirmed what I had guessed, it was arthritis and it was pretty severe. I was then sent to see a joint resurfacing specialist to see if we could salvage the joint, but he confirmed the joint was too far gone to save.

So now I’m in a strange position. At 44 years old I’m far too young for the average hip replacement surgery. They predict a 15 year life span of the replacement, meaning I could need 2-3 new hips in my lifetime if everything goes well. Each replacement being more risky than the previous with less bone to work with. On top of that many surgeons don’t want to replace until I’m 60 years old. They seem to think pain management is the way to go. In June I will begin a serious of hyaluronic acid injections. 6 injections in 6 weeks, with one injection every 4 weeks to follow. We will try this for 6 months to see if it helps before deciding on surgery. My doctor seems to have very little hope it will improve anything, but it has to be done before surgery can be scheduled.

It’s a mixed feeling, unbelievably upsetting to know my body is failing, but I’m happy to have a diagnosis. It’s also hard to imagine being 8-12 months away from surgery. I’ve had to cancel all of my travels, limit my seminars to a few per year and focus on my coaching. Which is the real blessing in disguise. It seems like the perfect time to slow things down and focus on what really matters. I’ve been neglecting my home, my relationship, my gym and my son as I’ve been so focused on traveling and building a brand. I felt like I could never slow down and I pushed those things that were the most important to the back to focus on the new and upcoming. It so easy to get caught up in this life. Traveling and teaching you start to feel like a celebrity, all the focus is on you and its addicting. You lose sight of those things at home that are the most important. When I was home I was just focused on the next trip, living out of my suitcase and afraid to settle in anywhere.

Maybe this was the kick in the ass I really needed. I’m humbled and hurt, but determined to make this a good thing. I have so much joy in home for the first time in a long time. I’m excited to teach my beginners classes at metagame, to see everyone grow. I now have time to take a real vacation, time to see my son (without a seminar to drive the trip), time to make my new home in Germany feel like home. I cook breakfast, clean the house, do the dishes and take the same train to the gym every day. Life is pretty boring and I couldn’t be more excited.

Right now I’m focused on being the best coach I can be. I know I’ll have surgery and be back stronger than ever, rolling and competing, but for now I’ll keep sharing my coaching with you, rambling my thoughts, and searching for the best breakfast recipes. And I’ll be very happy with all of that.